Side effects
by Megami Merquise
Summary: or PG 13. I don't know. It's making fun of medicine adds, hence the parody. there's some naughty language and some yaoi references that are vague. non hentai. R+R, plz! ^_^


1 Side effects  
  
by the omnipotent Megami  
  
  
  
a/n: ok, when you get those prescription medicines you know how there are lists of side effects (you even hear/see those on TV)? Well, I jus' got a new medicine and I was reading that list…and, well… you know how it goes (when you only had 3 hours of sleep last night!!!) ^_^. I decided to use the G-boys to… demonstrate/explain/whatever… the many side effects! Mwa hahahahahahaha!  
  
Oh, by the way, this is an arthritis medicine and arthritis sucks majorly.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Relafin or anything else that is not mine that pops up in this fic.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
~~~ Part One: Cautions ~~~  
  
"Do not drive, operate machinery, or do anything else--"  
  
Duo: Cool! So, if you take this shit then you don' have to do anything*? Fill my prescription now, please! ^_^  
  
Wufei: Braided Baka, you cut it off in the middle!  
  
Duo: Yeah ::scratches back of head and looks around guiltily:: I knew that Wu…  
  
"—that could be dangerous until you know how to react to this medicine."  
  
Duo: Oh, k'so. Nevermind.  
  
"This medicine may cause increased sensitivity to the sun."  
  
Wufei: Very good, Maxwell, you let the caution finish.  
  
Duo: :-P ::pauses…then starts covering eyes and hissing:: Ack! The light, it burns!! The light!!! ::hiss, hiss, hiss…runs and hides behind Wufei::  
  
Wufei: KISAMA!! GO AWAY!! YOU'RE IRRITATING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME!!  
  
Duo: What the f***?! Your shit is *alive*?  
  
Wufei: It's a saying! Are you that stupid that you've never heard that saying?!  
  
Duo: I'll bet smart people have never heard that… Oi! Heero! Come here!  
  
Heero: What do you want?  
  
Duo: Have you ever heard the saying 'you're irritating the living shit out of me'?  
  
Heero: Hai.  
  
Duo: Grrr… Injustice!!  
  
Wufei and Heero: O.o  
  
Wufei: That's *my* line!  
  
Duo: I'll jus' have to ask someone else who's smart…hmm… Oi Zechs!  
  
Quatre: Be kind and don't get anyone else involved in Megami's torturous-- ::Zechs just walked over here:: oh, too late.  
  
Zechs: What do you want, Duo?  
  
[Megami runs over and promptly gloms onto her Sexy Zechsy]  
  
Zechs: What the hell do you mean 'her'?  
  
Megami: "Her: pron. …"  
  
Zechs: I know what the definition of 'her' is, I was inferring that I am not/ was not aware that I was owned by you…which I'm not.  
  
Megami: ::still glomped on hard:: Oh, yes you are! ^_^ And Duo is owned by Hime Maxwell (a/n: one of my friends. Check out her fics!).  
  
Duo: NANI?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Megami: Hai, that's common knowledge…to us authoresses.  
  
Zechs and Duo: ………  
  
Quatre: Ummm…can we get on with this, before someone gets hurt?  
  
Megami: Yes, lets.  
  
"Use a sunscreen or protective clothing if you must be outside for a prolonged period."  
  
Trowa: Or you could do what Duo wants to do (but thankfully doesn't) and just not wear *any* clothing outside.  
  
Duo: …  
  
Wufei: Yeah, and Heero wants him to also! ::evil grin…grin?::  
  
Heero: ::blushing a very dark red:: Wufei, omea o korosu. ::pulls a gun out of spandex space::  
  
Megami: Well, loyal readers, we will now be returning to this semi- educational program right after these messages. ::dodges bullet:: And hopefully things will have calmed down over here.  
  
~*~*~*~ THE COMMERCIAL(S) ~*~*~*~  
  
[Duo appears on the screen]  
  
Duo: Hello! You may know me from the show "Gundam Wing" where I play Duo Maxwell, the most important and influential character—[Heero clears his throat off screen]—well, the *second* most important and influential character in the entire show! Anyways, I'm here today to tell you about…what was I supposed to sell again?…Nani?! There is no way in hell that the Shinigami selling a Martha Stewart cooking manuel!…OK, the Official Martha Steward's Guide to Totally Rad Cooking Recipies. Wait a minute!! You…grrrr…I'm leaving. Give me my check….what do you mean I have to finish the f***ing commercial before I get the damn check?! Oohh…omea o korosu! ::Duo runs off-screen and the screen fades to black, focusing in on the discarded cook book on the floor::  
  
(a/n: I'll prob. add more later, I just can't think of any now!)  
  
~*~ AND NOW, BACK TO THE CRAP…I MEAN SHOW ~*~  
  
Megami: Well, loyal readers, things calmed down over here… kind of.  
  
Duo: Yeah! After we tied Justice boy and Mr. Spandex to some chairs!  
  
[Megami and Duo start giggling uncontrollably, provoking odd glances from everyone in the room]  
  
Wufei: What is wrong with you, baka onna?  
  
Megami: Do you want to be gagged?  
  
Wufei: [glare]  
  
Megami: Didn't think so. And next we have…oh! We're done with 'Cautions' so now:…  
  
~~~ Part Two: Possible Side Effects ~~~  
  
"Side effects include diarrhea or constipation…"  
  
Duo: I wonder if you can have both at once?  
  
Quatre: Can't say I've ever thought about that before…nor do I want to.  
  
Duo: [as if Q-man hadn't said anything] If you did have both, would it be like normal or would it be alive like Wufei's—  
  
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!! My shit isn't alive, baka! Or can you not get this through your thick skull?!  
  
[Megami walks over, pulls off one of her dirty, sweaty socks and shoves it in Wufei's mouth, then takes a shoelace and ties it around his head (so he can't spit it out)]  
  
Wufei: MMMJUSTICE!!!  
  
[Heero remains quiet, not wanting the other nasty sock in his mouth]  
  
"Stomach upset, nausea, gas…"  
  
Duo: I think somebody ::cough, Trowa, cough, cough:: had that the other day after those nachos and bean burritos.  
  
Trowa: [glare]  
  
Quatre: [threatening to go Zero]  
  
Duo: [after looking at Quatre] Meep…forget I said anything!  
  
Wufei: [writing on the floor w/ a red crayon between his toes] Ha! Maxwell, I knew it! Your big annoying mouth would get you in trouble one of these days!  
  
Megami: WU-MAN!!! DON'T WRITE ON THE FLOOR!!! MY OKASAN'LL KILL ME!!!  
  
Wufei: [still writing] What do I care if you get killed?  
  
Megami: Hm…how would *you* like to sit through 20 hours straight of the horrid Sailor Mood English dub and Pokemon dub?  
  
Wufei: [writing still] I'll stop.  
  
Megami: [put a sponge under his foot and put his crayon up his nose] Now clean up your mess!  
  
Wufei: [Writing w/ blue crayon in other foot] I am not doing the work of a weak onna!!!  
  
[Megami repeats process w/ other foot]  
  
Megami: Oh yes you are!  
  
Wufei: MMMJUSTICE!!! [reluctantly begins scrubbing, muttering stuff like "makaku" and, of coarse, "mmjustice"]  
  
Megami: forgetting the point of this pointless fic?  
  
Zechs: if this fic is pointless, which it is, then the readers wouldn't be able to forget a point because there never was one in the first place.  
  
Quatre: You told me the reason we're doing this is to inform the Earth Sphere about Relafin…  
  
Duo: You've been had, Q-man. She gave me free pizza. How'd she get you, Hee-chan?  
  
Heero: Free ammo.  
  
Trowa: Quatre made me.  
  
Duo: Oh, like you wouldn't have gone just to be w/ your Q.  
  
[Q and Trowa blush and glare at Duo-chan]  
  
Duo: What'd you do to Wufei?  
  
Megami: ::grinning:: I said there was a 99% off sale on katanas here.  
  
[all laughing, Wufei blushing]  
  
Duo: Ha ha, Wu! You were tricked by a 'weak onna'!!!  
  
Megami: Hey!  
  
Duo: Goman nasi! ^_^  
  
"dizziness, headache, dry mouth, or trouble sleeping."  
  
Duo: [makes a sound w/ a big smile on his face but cut off by Megami the wise]  
  
Megami: No, Duo! This isn't going to be a henati (a/n: I think I spelled that wrong, but, eh, who cares? You know what I'm talking about! ^_^)  
  
Duo: Aw…you're so mean Megami.  
  
Quatre: Arigatou, Megami!  
  
"If they (the symptoms) continue or are bothersome, check w/ your doctor."  
  
Megami: Know what? All that shit would be pretty bothersome to me.  
  
Duo: Really.  
  
"Contact your doctor immediately if you experience swelling of face, hands, or ankles; ringing in ears; generalized itching or rash; vomiting; sore throat or fever; unusual bleeding or bruising; changes in vision; yellowing of the skin or eyes; or change in amount or color of urine."  
  
Duo: That's a no brainer. How big do your hands, face, or ankles get?  
  
Megami: Couldn't tell ya.  
  
Duo: "Double Vision" is a good song.  
  
All else: Nani?  
  
Trowa: That's probably one of the most random things I've ever heard.  
  
Duo: No, see they said "changes in vision" so I thought of "double vision", ya know, by Foreigner?  
  
Megami: Yeah, we know that song, but still…  
  
Duo: You people are impossible.  
  
"Contact your doctor immediately and stop taking this medicine if you notice any of the following unlikely but very serious side effects: black stools, persistent stomach/abdominal pain, or vomit that looks like coffee grounds."  
  
Trowa: Duo…where did you get the grounds for the coffee this morning, cuz it sucked really bad…  
  
Duo: That's nasty! I would never use vomit! I just used dirt today-- Oh, shit. I probably shouldn't have said that.  
  
[Duo received three glares and one Heero Yuy Death Glare™, Megami was just rolling on the ground laughing (she didn't have any coffee that morning)]  
  
Megami: Oh, ::sad face:: that was the end. T_T (( crying smiley)  
  
Zechs: Oh, damn. I'll just be leaving now.  
  
Duo: YOU don't have any right to talk. All you did was sit there with Megami glomped onto you.  
  
Zechs: Would *you* rather be here?  
  
Duo: No, but…  
  
[During this whole time Wufei managed (somehow) to free himself]  
  
Wufei: Ha! Now I'm free! [walks over to Megami] Now tell me, onna, where is that 99% off Katana sale?  
  
[everyone face faulted and sweatdropped]  
  
Quatre: Uh…Wufei…  
  
Wufei: Nani?  
  
Duo: [laughing very hard] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THERE WAS NO KATANA SALE! MEGAMI JUST SAID THAT SO YOU'D COME HERE AND SUFFER THROUGH HELL WITH US!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Wufei: [to Megami] KISAMA BAKA ONNA!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! [Begins chasing Megami around with his katana]  
  
Megami: [while running, to reader] Well that's it! Hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! If I get stuck on another medicine sometime, maybe I'll write a sequal. Well, truthfully I probably won't. Well you know me! I may run and hide, but I'll never tell a lie! That's—  
  
Duo: That's MY LINE!!!  
  
[Now Megami's running from both Duo and Wufei, and is too busy to say 'good- bye']  
  
Quatre: Uh… I guess this is the end…  
  
~~Owari~~  
  
a/n: You like? Oh well, see my (Megami's for all the bakas out there) last statements for the standard ending…uh…typing thingie. Ja ne! ^_^ 


End file.
